"The Cincinnati Health Department will investigate the Cincinnati Reds for violations of the state smoking ban after people complained players smoked cigars indoors while celebrating their National League Central Division title Tuesday night."How many people complained?
Five -- and not one of them was in the locker room. They were watching the long-suffering Reds' celebration on TV, demonstrating that it's possible to shovel self-righteousness onto others from the comfort of home.
These people weren't in any way affected by the cigar smoke -- they were offended merely by the sight of it. They're the same sanctimonious simpletons who insist that we don't swear in their presence, the ones who turn faith and phobias into bigotry.
Their attitude perpetuates our culture of entitlement and repression.
In my book, simply taking offense isn't nearly enough to make me impose my sensibilities on a fellow citizen. Smoking bans are anti-libertarian enough on their own without a handful of whiny-ass killjoys playing video-cop for the health Nazis.
It's time, I think, to acquaint these folks with The Rules.
First, every man who's worth a damn smokes at least the occasional cigar.Second, a woman smoking a cigar is sexy as hell.
Third, cigars are essential to all celebrations -- closing on a house, getting a raise, the birth of a son and, most certainly, winning a major-league baseball division title for the first time in 15 years.
And finally, despite what you might've heard, not smoking cigars won't add years to your life -- it'll just seem that way.
